Open Communication and Listening: The Secret Ingredients of a Healthy Marriage
Every marriage faces its share of challenges – disappointments, offences, even deep hurts. The difference between marriages that thrive and those that collapse often comes down to one simple practice: open communication and intentional listening.
For nearly two years, we’ve interviewed more than 30 couples – all of them exceptional in how they’ve built lasting love. Despite differences in culture, personality, or background, one theme has emerged consistently: communication is the lifeline of a healthy marriage.
Why Avoiding Conflict Doesn’t Work
Too many couples make the mistake of repressing issues. They push hurts under the carpet, hoping they’ll fade with time. But unresolved pain is like storing explosives in your living room – eventually, the smallest spark sets it off.
The Bible gives a different strategy: “If your brother offends you, go to him” (Matthew 18:15). In marriage, the principle is the same. Ignoring offences doesn’t heal them. Addressing them directly – and lovingly – does.
Two Questions Every Couple Asks
Recently, we held relationship and marriage sessions with different groups of young people in Nigeria and Doha, Qatar. Interestingly, the same questions came up in both gatherings:
- How do you recover from hurt in marriage?
- What do you do when your spouse deeply disappoints you, even in cases of betrayal or infidelity?
The answer we gave was simple but profound: start with open communication. Resolution and healing cannot happen in silence.
The Role of Each Partner in Conflict
When hurt happens, each spouse has a responsibility:
- The Offended Partner: must bring the issue up for discussion. Silence only breeds resentment.
- The Offending Partner: must listen – truly listen – not to argue, but to understand.
Proverbs 18:2 puts it bluntly: “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” In other words, if you’re listening only to defend yourself, you’re not resolving the issue – you’re acting foolishly.
Listening That Heals
Good listening is more than keeping quiet while your spouse talks. It requires skills:
- Focused attention: put the phone down and make full eye contact.
- Clarification: ask, “Do you mean this?” to show you’re engaged.
- Empathy: mirror their tone and body language to demonstrate understanding.
- Learning posture: listen with the intent to learn and grow, not to justify yourself.
Proverbs 18:4 reminds us that “The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters.” To uncover those depths, we must listen with patience and humility.
Speaking with a Gentle Tongue
Of course, the way we express our hurts matters just as much as how we listen. Some people pride themselves on blunt honesty – “I just say it as it is.” But blunt words often cut deeper than intended.
Proverbs 25:15 offers a wiser approach: “Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.”
Even when you’re angry, your goal in speaking is not just to vent but to be understood. A gentle tongue makes that possible.
A Story of Missed Listening
One young man shared how a six-year relationship ended because he repeatedly dismissed his girlfriend’s concerns. To him, her complaints were “little things.” To her, they were signs of neglect. Over time, she concluded he didn’t care enough to change.
Looking back, he admitted: “I wish I had listened properly. I thought those things didn’t matter, but to her they meant everything.”
This story underlines a vital truth: you don’t get to decide what matters to your spouse. If they say it hurts, then it matters.
Master these, and you’ll turn even the hardest conflicts into steppingstones toward deeper intimacy. Above is the summary of a discussion presented by the authors. You can watch it here
Practical Steps for Healthy Communication
Here are some practical steps couples can apply beginning today:
- Raise issues early. Don’t let them pile up.
- Wait for calm. Avoid discussions when tempers are high; revisit the issue with clear heads.
- Express gently. State how you feel without attacking your spouse’s character.
- Listen fully. Don’t interrupt or plan your defense while they’re speaking.
- Clarify and affirm. Repeat back what you heard: “So you’re saying this hurt because…”
- Respect feelings. Don’t dismiss or belittle what matters to your spouse.
- Apologize sincerely. Take responsibility where you’ve caused pain.
- Adjust behaviour. Show love by changing actions, not just words.
- Reflect individually. Before confronting, ask yourself: “Did I contribute to this problem?”
- Seek resolution, not victory. The goal is understanding, not winning an argument.
When the Hurt Runs Deep
What about more serious betrayals—like infidelity? The process still starts the same way: reflection, open communication, and listening. Both partners must be willing to talk honestly, examine their roles, and work toward rebuilding trust.
This doesn’t excuse sin or betrayal, but it recognizes that healing begins only when issues are faced openly. Without communication, bitterness festers. With it, forgiveness and restoration become possible.
The Goal: Restoration, Not Winning
Healthy communication in marriage is not about proving who is right. It’s about restoring love, trust, and connection. When both spouses listen with humility and speak with gentleness, most conflicts end with an apology, a hug, and a renewed commitment to do better.
As one wise mentor once said: “Marriage thrives not on perfection, but on humility – the willingness to talk, to listen, to learn, and to change.”
Final Word
If you want a healthier marriage, don’t bury your hurts or dismiss your spouse’s feelings. Instead, practice these two timeless skills:
- Open communication – say what matters, and say it gently.
- Intentional listening – hear to understand, not to defend.
Master these, and you’ll turn even the hardest conflicts into steppingstones toward deeper intimacy.
Above is the summary of a discussion on resolving conflicts in marriage presented by the authors. You can watch it here. Register for the next session here.
